"Moment by Moment Love Affair with the Truth"

In my last post, "How Partial Awakening Manifests in Human Form", I ended by sharing with you how painful a Partial Awakening has been for me (for an explanation between a Full and Partial awakening, please go to my post, "What is an Awakening?") This is not to say that a Full Awakening does not have its own challenges! However, initially, my own journey was that of a Partial Awakening, and so I thought it best to begin with my own account of that experience.

As I mentioned in my past post, following the Awakening,life from a human perspective became really difficult for me. It felt as if I couldn't hold the simplest of conversations without being acutely aware of how I was being pulled in by my conditioned thoughts and the stories that these thoughts spun. I will share with you a specific example of this.

One beautiful summer evening, I was out for a walk by the picturesque Okanagan Lake with an acquaintance whom I was developing a closer friendship with. We had just began our walk when my friend mentioned that she makes sourdough bread. I responded with "Yeah, me too! Isn't it great?". Now in the past, prior to the Awakening, there would not have been any recognition or questioning on my part about why I would say that. It sounds pretty normal within the context of the situation right? However, as soon as the words were out of my mouth, within a millisecond I recognized that behind my words was a deep  need for this new person in my life to like me. I wanted her to think that I too was like her and that we had something in common. Funny now to think that I actually believed in that instant that this person would be my friend because I too knew how to make sourdough! It sounds so silly but we do it ALL the time. Now that's not to say that this response couldn't have been said without any other ego driven need for acceptance. However, for me, in that instance, there was definitely something very needy behind my response.

As soon as the awareness was there that this response came from a deep place of need driven by my ego, I instantly became aware of the feeling this caused inside of my body and let me tell you, this was NOT a comfortable feeling by any means. The instantaneous knowing that I was not acting from a place of who I really AM, the Love, Awareness, Consciousness, and Oneness that had Awakened, on a human level, was physically uncomfortable and downright painful. I remember my eyes filling with tears as I walked with this acquaintance who I barely knew and feeling immense sadness that I was acting from a place of  identification with my thoughts. Now looking back, I recognize that even the thoughts about how I was somehow being false and the feelings this created inside my body, were too identification with ego. My thoughts said that I was being inauthentic, and not acting from a place of Love. I then judged this. I remember questioning how I could possibly have been pulled into identification with ego. I KNEW better!

And yes, I did know, but the true deep knowing of this was from a place of Love, a place of Spirit, and Oneness. That place wasn't judging, wasn't violent against my human self and it certainly wasn't belittling me for my human conditioning and habits. It wasn't commenting "Wow, how could you be so weak as to fall pray to your Ego!". That place was pure Love. That place was acceptance of the highest order, for it accepted the moment as it was, without wanting it to be different. However, the thoughts that screamed "I KNEW BETTER!", and the judgements that followed these thoughts came from a place of Ego. A place that was judging me, a place that was being violent towards my human self, and a place that belittled my human conditioning and habits. This was a place that did not accept the moment as it was. This was a place that wanted the present moment to be something other than.

Over time, the experience of Awakening taught me that from a place of Oneness, nothing is good, bad, right or wrong. Oneness may be aware of something but it does not judge it. Oneness does not judge anything for Oneness is all there is. Oneness does not turn against anything for to turn against something would be to turn against itself. The Love that Oneness is does not discriminate. Love Loves all... It Loves every single present moment, including the one that has within it a human form within which there are thoughts that are judgemental, violent, belittling and unkind.

For the longest time (about a year and half, and let me tell you, this felt like a lifetime), this was my experience of life. It caused me some of the deepest pain I have ever felt. It actually brought me to moments where my thoughts were screaming "I never ASKED for an AWAKENING!!!!". But somehow, somewhere beyond those thoughts, while tears ran their course, there would be JOY. Pure Joy for existence itself. Joy that was rooted in the most Innocent Love imaginable. Pure Love for the Present Moment, no matter how painful that moment may have been from a human perspective of things. Somewhere beyond those thoughts, my Love Affair with the Truth began.

This Love Affair has grown over time... it has matured, and is no longer the gut wrenching, heart breaking experience that it used to be. This Love Affair is now the only truth upon which to rest my ever tangling thoughts... moment by moment...by moment...

Thank you once again to all you lovely friends for sharing in my journey. Please feel free to share with me any questions or comments you may have. I understand that some of what I write about may need clarification and am absolutely open to any further explanations of concepts.

My next post will be "Is a Love Affair with the Truth possible without an Awakening?".

I send all of you much Loving Kindness and healing Light,

Izabella