When most of us think of a Spiritual Awakening, we visualize a very romanticized version of this experience. If you have read my last blog post, "What Does a Spiritual Awakening Feel Like?", I wouldn't blame you for coming to the conclusion that an Awakening is a beautiful, blissful, and transcendent experience. From a human perspective, there is no doubt that the actual moment of Awakening was a very blissful one, with transcendent qualities inherent within it. The experience was certainly one where although no specific feeling was attached to it in the moment of its' happening, from a human perspective, if I had to attach some word to the state that I experienced, the closest would be that of a state of peace.
If we use our thought forms to conjure up what that complete state of peace would feel like, we can easily imagine that an Awakening experience must have an other worldly quality to it where we become free of thoughts and feelings. After all, isn't it thought and feeling forms that cause anguish and struggle? To be free of thoughts and feelings, would we not experience the ultimate form of peace? We can easily imagine that an Awakening will free us from any forthcoming struggles because we have become free of the human state of thoughts and feelings. We can easily believe that because to have an Awakening means to be finally free of the human experience, we will live out the rest of our human lives in a protected blissful state of light, presence, peace and everlasting happiness. We will have realized the truth of our being and therefore get to escape the illusion that is our thoughts and feelings.
I understand these imaginings... We so badly want to end the suffering we have endured that we want to neatly package the experience of an Awakening so that it pacifies our mind identified existence. There is nothing inherently wrong with this. When we operate from a mind identified state and see the pain and struggle this causes, it is no wonder that we want to believe that there is a way out of this suffering. When we look about the state of our planet and see the violence, pain and hurt that humanity inflicts on itself, we want to believe that the experience of an Awakening can save us from this pain and struggle and that there is hope... and there is... it just doesn't come in as neat a package as we expect.
As I said a moment ago, there is nothing inherently wrong with our belief that an Awakening will free us from pain and suffering. However, the quicker we can let go of any expectations, the closer to freedom we will be. Expectation itself, as it is based in thought forms, can never bring true freedom because it is in and of itself focused on the future. It is one thing to purposely choose to use our mind and the thought forms that come along with it such as for the purpose of finding solutions, creative answers, or even setting goals, but another to be pulled into identifying with thoughts that tell us "when such and such happens, then, I will be happy". True freedom can only happen in this present moment. More on this in another post... :)
I was probably lucky that I didn't have any clear expectations of what an Awakening would be like prior to it happening. However, in all truthfulness, I certainly did not expect it to be as difficult as it has been.
Perhaps I will continue with my story of what happened directly after the actual moment of Awakening. As you will recall if you read my last post, "What Does a Spiritual Awakening Feel Like?", following the actual moment of an Awakening, I walked back to the camp ground and began to help out with dinner preparation along with my husband and daughters. I felt as if there wasn't much dense matter to my body and had the sensation that the body was being propelled by the Energy within. I felt as if my body moved slower than the normal movement I was used to. It also felt as if who I was extended far out beyond my body, so there wasn't a clear sense of "this is where me and the body ends and something else begins". Another very acute sensation was that all of my actions, such as grabbing the plates, taking steps, and filling the water glasses were the most important thing to be doing at that time. The best way I can describe it is that I felt completely and utterly present in each moment. Now looking back, it seems strange that I did not right away share the Awakening experience with my husband. In fact, It wasn't till many hours later that I told him of the experience.
The next morning, I woke up and although the sensations that I had felt the night before were no longer as strong, I knew that my whole world as I knew it had completely and utterly changed.
I did not know exactly how, but I certainly did not expect that the Awakening experience would bring me literally to my knees... As I had mentioned before, prior to the Awakening, I had read much about dis-identification with the thought forms. On an intellectual level, I understood this. However, following the Awakening, because it was of the Partial Awakening kind as I had talked about in my post, "What is a Spiritual Awakening?", on a human level there was not an instant dis-identification with thought. However, Consciousness itself had woken up out of identification with thought forms. Imagine being completely caught up in believing your thoughts, as humans are, but yet KNOWING from a place of the Consciousness that you ARE, that your thoughts have absolutely no reality to them whatsoever. I am not talking about an intellectual knowing here. When you experience an Awakening, the knowing comes from a deeply experiential place.
There is no denying that on a human level, there is the huge gravitational pull of our thoughts. We believe them. Not only that, we believe ourselves to be them. When an Awakening happens, unless it is a Full Awakening, where complete dis-identification with thought occurs, that gravitational pull of our thoughts still automatically happens. (for a detailed explanation of what a Full and Partial Awakening is, please go to "What is a Spiritual Awakening?" )
Let me share with you an example. Shortly after the Awakening, I had brought up to my husband the idea that we should sell the house that we had just bought a year prior (I know, crazy right?!), and look for something that was better suited for us. Now my husband is a very logical, 'let's look at this from all angles before we jump into anything kind of person'. Taking huge leaps, particularly ones brought on by emotion, is not his cup of tea. As I was passionately sharing with him why this was a good idea, all of a sudden, the Consciousness that I AM, that which had woken up, became aware that my human form was identifying with my thoughts and wanting to be right, wanting to convince, wanting to get my way, even if at the expense of my husband not being heard and respected for his own opinion. Consciousness knew that on a human level I was identifying with the thoughts that aligned with the belief that happiness could be had through something externally attained. Consciousness knew that my human self believed that my children would have a happier childhood if we had a better house. It knew that I identified with the thoughts that aligned with the belief that if we had a house that was surrounded by more nature then I could feel closer to the earth and be more spiritually connected. Consciousness knew that I was deathly afraid that my husband didn't respect my opinions and therefore my needs didn't matter. Consciousness knew that this fear reminded me of my father and how unloved I felt by him. Consciousness knew that the feeling of being unlovable was guiding this discussion and my life. Consciousness KNEW IT ALL... I knew it all... and yet, because my human self was still under the gravitational pull of my thought and feeling forms, I could not stop the trajectory of this argument. I could not stop how I was acting and reacting. And yet, while I was in the deep trenches of this behaviour defending my own ego, I KNEW...
Let me share with you that it was much easier not knowing. Knowing, and not being able to change your behaviour and live in accordance with that which you know on the deepest of levels imaginable, was and continues to be on a human level, excruciatingly painful.
There has not been a moment since the Awakening, that Oneness has not been at the forefront of my human life. It is present in everything I think, say, do and feel. It is not actually even at the forefront of my life. IT IS LIFE ITSELF. This is why it is so painful when the human form denies the LIFE that it is. The struggle comes in when form believes it is separate from Awareness and all of LIFE ITSELF. When a Partial Awakening happens, the human identification with the ego has some catching up to do. Awareness has awoken, but not yet necessarily the human form which is so identified with its conditionings, habits, thought and feeling forms.
This is where the moment by moment love affair with truth dances its way through your human heart. It tears at it in ways unimaginable and yet it uncovers a Love you never thought possible...
My next post will be a more detailed account of my "Moment by Moment Love Affair with Truth".
For those of you who felt compelled to read this post and for any of you who didn't, I send you much, much Love and Healing Light,
Blessings, Izabella
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